im 21 going on broke and bored.
my calendar is clear and my to-do list is menial…if you told me a year ago that this is what my postgraduate life would be like, I’d probably react with some dramatic gesture of disappointment and refuse to believe you altogether. it’s the complete opposite of my collegiate routines: running (literally) from internship to internship, staying up all night to study weeks of material in only a few hours, and working multiple jobs to make more money than I knew what to do with (obviously my all-or-nothing personality leaned heavily toward the “all” side of the spectrum while in san diego). it sounds awesome and amazing, and I’d tell you more about it if I could. because here’s the thing about extreme autonomy: youre so focused that you zone out, you check out, it’s as if you’re not even there. so much of those four years flew by without this overachiever even participating, and I can’t remember so much of what used to be my everything.
literally, everything. how many friendships have I broken for flaking out on dinners? how many relationships have I sacrificed for paychecks and promotions? granted, im all about ambition and I have no regrets; but I’m glad I’m learning now - rather than ten or twenty years from now - that making a life isn’t necessarily about making a living. because at the end of the day, the year, this life, i won’t care about how much money I made or didn’t make, how many people I beat to the top or how many times I felt like I was at the bottom. I’ll remember all the times I was away from my desk and my phone and my books. I will be remembering my LIFE.
no one wants a tombstone only engraved with a job title. and no one wants to look back on their life and recognize nothing beyond autonomy, remembering nothing of family and laughter and travel and love and moments that made your jaw drop in awe and your eyes tear in happiness. to look back is to have had this gift in a present time, and to do so in the future is to work on it now, so…
what have I been up to these days? well, nothing. nothing too quantifiable by monetary standards and nothing that someone can write me a professional recommendation for. i wake up each day to be up to absolutely nothing, and I’ve never felt more completely alive.
a creative writer typing from LA & SD.
