i like reading my thoughts after i think them.

i can’t go out. *cough cough* i’m sick.

Calling in sick with a harsh case of sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia just might work: while eating, your blood vessels suddenly began constricting and dilating, overwhelming you with unbearable headaches that feel like they’ll never end. It’s not contagious, but it’s definitely painful, and you should probably stay home today. Just in case.

Chill out, people—it’s just a brain freeze, a term coined by 7-11 to explain the pain triggered by drinking a Slurpee too fast. Whenever a spoonful of ice cream, the top of a popsicle, or something else cold (and usually delicious) touches the roof of your mouth, your blood vessels initially contract to prevent loss of body heat and then quickly expand and rush to your brain in an effort to warm up your palate. However, this also sets off pain receptors in your face, so even though you feel like that heavy pounding is rooted in your forehead (which is also how your brain falsely processes it), it actually isn’t. And contrary to popular belief, holding your temples, trying to warm them up with your hands and screaming about it to your friends isn’t going to help that ice cream headache one bit.

If the natural reaction won’t cure the pain, then what will? Bringing back the heat: roll your tongue into a ball in the back of your mouth so that the bottom of your tongue is touching that palate, cup your mouth to warm the palate with your own breath or sip something that’s served at room temperature. Or simply wait it out—no matter how much pain you’re in, a brain freeze rarely ever lasts longer than a minute. And as deadly as it feels in the moment, no one has ever actually died from “frozen brain syndrome.”

Just don’t tell your boss that.

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mock editorial submitted as part of a recent job application. and no, the mean girls reference was not the title i actually used.