to do: the overdue thank you letter to the one who does.
i’m usually the person who thinks new year’s eve is incredibly overrated and superstitions are for people who won’t take responsibility for their actions seven years from now. the one who stopped having faith in fate and only believed in whatever I could make out of my own two hands which, at times, really wasn’t much of anything. but it was mine, just like my righteous anger and unjustified pride and all the other things that no one ever talks about but keeps so many warm at night.
God, that was absolutely ridiculous. classic fool, haughty monster, american idiot. but you figured that out waaaay too early, right?
thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. i couldn’t have done any of it without you. I never could’ve done any of it without you, actually…but, well, you already knew that.
done searching, done hunting, done existing with a mouth dripping dissatisfaction and claws craving to pacify greed. immediately. because who knew that the real thing was actually worth waiting for?
haha, of course you did.
what the very first milliseconds of a part ii look like.
that moment when you get exactly what you’ve always wanted and wished for, when you finally finish strong and first and win and celebrate, when you realize that what you’ve won isn’t what you’re proud to say you worked so hard for, when you suddenly see things so clearly — how far away you are from what you really want, what you were supposed to want all along but were too damn afraid to stick your neck out for, what is actually quite scary and farfetched and much more probable to fail than succeed.
that is a moment that cannot be ignored. it’s not apathy or boredom or ungratefulness; it’s all that pride finally stepping back and letting confidence fill that place that’s been housing way too many insecurities. it can’t be unseen, unheard, unfulfilled now. it will continue to disrupt sleep with wondrous what-if’s and spit discontentment on all subsequent successes.
in other words, it’s confusing, annoying, persistent and determined, and it won’t ever shut up until you give it what it ask for.
sound familiar?
are you listening?!
san francisco cable cars are a little dangerous but incredibly encouraging!
and yet another universal lesson from the craps table:
no matter how much you’re up and ahead of everyone else, you can fall behind even quicker. so it doesn’t really matter in comparison to others; players in a group game should always be rooting for each other anyways.
don’t bet against each other. bet ON each other instead; always put your odds behind the pass line in good faith. and if they crap out, so what, people crap out all the time. don’t hold it against the shooter, sometimes the outcome is just out of their hands and it happens to affect you in a negative but negligible way. make friends at the table, order a few drinks, tip your dealers and just be glad you know how to play. remember, a lot of people are way too scared to even step up to the table, let alone actually make a bet.
another universal lesson from the craps table:
your mood, worth and perception should never be based on how much you win or lose. because then you’ll be dependent on other people’s luck, other people’s actions, other people’s decisions.
however, without emotional attachment or unjustified bias, you should still try. instead of relying on things out of your control, be the maker of your own fate and fortune: learn how to roll the seven when the game is off and figure out how to get the most out of your own chips. sure, it’s a group game, but at the end of the day, you still walk away alone, with whatever it is that you have at that moment. don’t you want to say that you’ve truly earned it?
and even if you walked away empty-handed, there’s always another table, another shooter, another chance to win it all back and more. never lose faith in fighting your good fight, yet know when to walk away or switch players. in this game, the company you keep still has an effect on the outcome.
she hid around corners
and she hid under beds
she killed it with kisses
and from it she fled
- florence and the machine
sometimes this adds pressure, and sometimes this brings relief…
…but the more we think about which one it is, aren’t we really just wasting time?
(via ninagarcia)
definitely haven’t been feeling like “my old self” lately.
and let’s be honest—that’s a good thing. a really good thing.
This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find … themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. … they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.
Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.
Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? … Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”
Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe … life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.
Clementine: This is it, Joel. It’s going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.
a creative writer typing from LA & SD.
